Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
