I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
