i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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