everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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