why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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