She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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