Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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