oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize