I just saw a hot homeless man
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
