Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
