you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
