i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
