Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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