Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize