Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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