mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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