I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
