I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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