Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
