Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
