you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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