Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
