i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
