I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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