Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
