I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
