Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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