Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
