I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
