On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
