I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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