when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
