Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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