they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
