I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
