I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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