Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
