Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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