Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
