that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize