I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
