i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
