I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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