i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
