My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
