you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
operation have a gay friend backfired
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
