Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
