I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
