you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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