i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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