everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
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