im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize