Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
