I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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