I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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