Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
